now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
