Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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