friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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