I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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