The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize
