thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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