im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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