i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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