Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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