just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
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