So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
