his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
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