Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
