you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
