It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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