I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
