This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
