Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Randomize
