The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
