Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Randomize
