The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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