I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
