I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
