I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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