If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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