My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I just cut my nipple shaving
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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