I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
