he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
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