I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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