make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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