we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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