is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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