next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
