Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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