he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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