***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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