she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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