I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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