Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Drunk is a universal language darling
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