I puked a lego.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
