my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
