she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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