You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
