So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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