Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
You pole danced in your parka.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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