non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
