found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
