i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
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