I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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