I'm so fucking centered right now
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
