Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
